… all was void, and without form …
Then after a busy few days and nights God created Man, in His own image. This is the gospel truth, which then has to mean ipso facto that there’s a female variant of God …
Now flash forward some years (about six thousand by some counts, about 14,000,000,000 by others) to moi in the here and now:
Damn. I’m busy—delegate.
“Can you get that, please?”
Mutter mutter mutter … click, followed by indistinct voices. Door closes, two lots of footsteps.
Uh oh. A visitor, and me up to my elbows in old-fashioned pen and pages—blasted power cut. Damn again.
“Who is it, Toots?”
“No-one you know — it’s Mrs God. She says she’s calling in person to see you after your recent blog posts. Who’ve you been cranking up this time?”
“What’s she want?”
“Just a chat. Says she knows you’re busy and will be until you finish that commentary on the polar bears—I didn’t know you wrote about polar bears?”
Poop. Other than me no-one does, I’ve just started it … … Oh! Mrs God, of course.
“Tell her I’ll be right out—”
“In about twelve minutes, She says. I’d offer Her a coffee but the power’s still off — oh, no problem, She’s got the kettle going.”
“It’s still off in here.”
“And here — it’s only on at the kettle. Weird.”
“Whom did you say it was?”
“Mrs God … … … … … … oh.”
That might explain something.
“Can you get Her to—”
My computer boots into life.
Again I marvel at my ability to accept the unacceptable at a moment’s notice. Okay, miracles sometimes do take a little longer, no problem. Now, polar bears, something important in the great scheme of things … aaaah.
Still marveling I shift from pen to keyboard, momentarily resenting that She hadn’t called earlier. Honestly, some People …
“She says She’s sorry about that! A minor miracle was needed at short notice in Afghanistan, to stop some more Buddha statues being blown up. Took a bit longer than She expected. Bloody heathens.”
Oh. A thought—
“Couldn’t Hubby have done it?”
“She’s not speaking to Him right now. Something to do with His ‘holier-than-thou’ attitude, She says.”
Coffee noises float in through my doorway, followed by a heavenly scent. Blue Mountain, my very favourite, how did She know? Oops, dumb questi—
“Omniscience, She says. It can be a bit of a pain too, sometimes.”
“Buddhas? I’d have thought She’d be happy the competition was being blown up?” A loud appreciative slurp is followed by Spouse’s voice, tinged with deepest appreciation.
“She says that it’s Mr God who’s the jealous one, she’s more the live-and-let-live type Herself. Anyway, competition is healthy, lowers the costs, so the believer benefits all round.”
Ye gods. A capitalistic free-thinking God? Goddess? A sudden thought—
“What’s She look like?”
“She says get on with your writing — and to stop hammering anthropogenic as being too man-made, it’s a lost subtlety.”
Gone. Just like that, a whole morning’s scratchings. Rip. Shred, tear, rip. Control A + delete. Start again.
“Does She have any suggestions?”
“Argie, She’s gorgeous! … And says to use your own free will, She’s not going to write it for you … eh? What? … Oh! (Okay, I’ll tell him) … but your article on revamping politics sure stirred ‘em up!”
“I haven’t written one!”
“Next week—She’s apologising for mixing the dates up, says being in next week as well as the here-and-now can sometimes get confusing.”
NZ politics? Now there’s a thought.
“Should I come out there?”
I know the Spouse, her idea of gorgeous means absolutely divine. Oops.
“No point, She says. You have to believe first. Disbelievers can never see Her.”
I watch in disbelief as a coffee floats in through the doorway and parks itself neatly between keyboard and mouse. Coffee at least is real. My hair fluffles to an unseen soft touch and I feel a light kiss on the back of my neck. Instant goosebumps.
“So you believe in God, Toots? I never knew that.”
“Not in God, no. Mrs God, yes — it’s a girlie thing, you wouldn’t understand.”
Witch! Thanks for the coffee, anyway.
A thousand questions flood my mind. At last, a chance for some answers.
“Argie! She’s grabbed her handbag and heading for the door—”
Damn! So close, yet so far.
“—She says that if you’re going to get all metaphysical on Her She’s out of here—what have you done?”
Me? Nothing. Yet. Eek.
My keyboard explodes into life and this post writes itself before my eyes in mere milliseconds. I lean forward and obediently sip from the coffee floating in front of my lips while the keys rattle on. Cute.
The script switches to big bold turquoise italics — goody, I like italics — and the post finished itself just as the front door closes with a gentle, final, and perfectly omnipotent click.