TECHNOPHOBIC?

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SHUCKS, LIL’ FELLA — YOU NEED

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… someone’s kid. Take one now and two morning and night until cured. Read on …

Starbucks again (and no, I don’t get a commission. But am recognised by name and choice, and more often than not score my favourite wee table).

Monday morning and the world’s my oyster (it’s the oyster season here and they’re waxing ecstatic about the crop. I like ’em myself but The Spouse calls them ‘slimeballs’ and then glares at me as if they’re all my fault). There’s not a cloud on the horizon and no sign of The Sage, my coffee is hot and foamy in the bucket and all is well with the world.

But I have a dilemma. New cellphone.

I remember a time when new anything used to be something to look forward to with a trill in the heart and a song on the lips—aaaah, halcyon distant days … but for the past decade or two ‘new’ has meant steep learning curves with much weeping, wailing, and gnashing of teeth. 21st century devices coupling with a 20th century brain. Not good:

  • I have a television that can do anything—I use it as a television
  • I have a state-of-the-art computer that does me well as a typewriter (that just happens to connect with the wwweb. Sue me).
  • Our microwave heats leftovers and makes a marvellous countdown timer. According to the good book it can do anything in the kitchen except put the cat out. It’s a few years old now but I imagine that the latest ones do cats …
  • We have an extensive Dvd collection and a Dvd player that we use to play Dvds. (That’s as far as I got with the voluminous instruction book, the rest of which is still a virgin.) And thereby hangs the tale …
  • I have a camera simply for taking photographs. I would if I could but the camera and I sometimes have horrendous arguments and the shot often gets missed—like the time when the Red Checkers (RNZAF Display Team) were here recently; the camera and I nearly came to blows (and if there’d been anyone close by they’d have caught some sublimely salty language). I still haven’t found the override button; but I managed to sneak in some acceptable shots. Most were out-of-focus images of fuzzy noses coming into the frame or furry tails departing. (I know, I know … when all else fails, consult the manual, right?)
SERENDIPITY:  I had no idea the bird was there when the camera too the shot
SERENDIPITY: I had no idea the bird was there when the blasted camera took the shot

THERE WAS A TIME

About a squillion years ago when adults passed skills on to their children. Sons and daughters and things sat wide-eyed at the feet of Father or Mother imbibing wisdom and knowledge. Granddad? He was held in superstitious awe … sadly no longer.

These days kids are born as technophiliac genii, from their very first breath groping for illuminated screens and buttons to press. Not for them the heavy books or masses of instruction manuals to plough through, those endless chapters of semi-literate gobbledegook written in half-comprehensible English, technicrese quite meaningless even to the initiated: the modern infant is born knowing this stuff.

It could be quite embarrassing, humiliating even—if I had any pride left to dent. But I am a modern ‘with it’ old poop of the New School—I have no compunctions at all about borrowing an infant to come in after a power outage and get everything running again.

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As an aside:

Back in the eighties (aaah, VCRs … remember them?) I read somewhere that after a major power cut in Britain there’s be anything up to four million plus VCRs with blinking lights awaiting a knowledgable visitor to get them up and running again. Ah, happy days …

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I made a resolution (months ago now) to sit down with all the manuals and their devices and actually learn my gadgets, one by one. Finally I’d master the beasts. Okay, if not master per se then at least get beyond charging batteries and the mysteries of the ON/OFF switch.
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THE GOOD NEWS
is that on average* out of every six hundred pages of instruction manual at least the first three hundred pages are safety instructions, hazard warnings, health advice and legal disclaimers.
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THE BETTER NEWS
Is that our very good neighbour here has a four-year-old daughter just about to start school. Wee Jodie is already a top gun with their Mac computer (mine’s a Mac too—it just doesn’t get any better than this) and modern TV and other gadgetry. AND she can be bribed (paid off?) with a mere handful of candy.
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(Oops … coffee all gone and this time I can’t blame The Sage—I’d know if he were around. Bugger, I don’t remember drinking … just hope I enjoyed it.)
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KISMET

PS  I adore statistics: Did you know that a man with his head in a hot oven and his feet in a frigid freezer is, on average, comfortable?

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2 thoughts on “TECHNOPHOBIC?

    1. Hah! Blog Dog will one day be Top Dog, I’ve got my eye on that monkey’s place …

      Honoured, Sir, I hope I can do you justice. Now to practise savaging things …

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